Getting to know your inner child

You may have heard therapists talk about the inner child, and wondered what on earth they meant. Put simply, it's a part of you that holds your early childhood experiences, including memories, emotions, fears and dreams. We all have a child self within us, but it is often outside of our conscious awareness. Despite this, it is very much alive, and likely to be in the driving seat during stressful or anxious moments. 

You have probably had moments where something made you cry like a baby, have a tantrum like a toddler, or feel like a frightened child, and noticed feeling younger than your actual age? You are responding as you did when you were a child, because that part has been triggered. 

So why, as adults, are we still so impacted by our child self? Some may say we should just grow up and use our rational adult mind to reason our way out of this immature outburst. Yet this just serves to supress the child, who is trying to tell us something important. There is often some unresolved issue, or trauma that needs to be attended to. It may be that you were not heard and empathised with by your own caregivers, and so the child is crying out for that care and attention from you now. 

In therapy, engagement with this child part is referred to as inner child work. With support, you can learn how to listen to this child with curiosity and compassion, rather than shutting them down, which only reinforces feelings such as rejection, worthlessness and despair that came from being judged or disregarded as a child. Instead of shaming the child, you are offering empathy and validating the reactions they had to their experiences. By doing this, you are re-parenting your child part, allowing them to become a fully integrated component of the whole self. 

Here are some pointers which may help you engage positively with your inner child: 

• When you find yourself reacting to a situation in a very emotional way, try to affirm that it is ok to feel what you are feeling. Ask your child what they need in order to feel comforted and to be able to deal with the situation. 
• When the inner critic (internalised parent or other significant authority figure) pipes up with things like "stop being so weak- pull yourself together", notice and gently challenge this narrative. 
• If you have your own children, or there are children in your life who you are close to, think about how you might treat them when they are upset. What do they need in that moment? Can you offer a similar response to your own inner child? 
• Think about what has triggered the child part to react. Do you notice a pattern of particular people or situations that evoke this response? Is there something about these instances that reminds you of your childhood experiences? Is there material to be processed from the past?
• The inner child also holds the key to joy, playfulness and creativity. By re-connecting with the child, you can get in touch with these aspects of your personality again, which may have been subdued over the years, particularly if they received disapproval.  Try doing activities you used to love as a child, or try out new fun things! Children tend to approach the world in a less inhibited way than adults, so allowing yourself to let go of the need to be neat, tidy, or do something "well" can help! 
• Try therapy, or reflective exercises such as journaling to help you with your inner child work.