Behind the Calm Exterior: How High-Functioning Women Cope with Constant Anxiety

Do people often say things to you like I don't know how you always stay so calm, or you always seem to have it all together, while inside you feel like a ball of anxiety, moving through life at a hundred miles an hour? 

Others assume you're absolutely fine, because you do seem to be coping. You're getting things done- and doing them well. Maybe you're acing your studies. Perhaps you're successful in a high-flying career and/or managing a home and family. Remembering all the birthdays, organising the parties, meeting the deadlines. 

But the truth is, you feel frantic, frazzled and overwhelmed.  Your head is filled with a never-ending mental to-do list, and there's a loud inner critic calling you out whenever you forgot something, or even did a thing less than perfectly.

You might have considered opening up to friends, family or colleagues about how you're really feeling, but this is difficult because they all rely on you. You're the one they turn to with their issues; you don't want to burden them. Being vulnerable can be especially tricky if you are in a senior position at work, or the one who holds everyone up in your family or social spheres. 

You might tell yourself that it's not that bad, really. After all, isn't everyone busy? Surely that's just life in the modern world. As long as you just keep going, running the treadmill of life, everything will be ok. Perhaps you comfort yourself that one day, when the kids are older, or you retire, then things might be easier. You might get some time for yourself?  Here's the thing: there is always another task that needs doing, or someone who needs something. If you're always the one who keeps the wheels turning, that's unlikely to change. 

So, you're probably wondering, is it possible for things to be any different? And how, if everyone else is so reliant on you? I believe change is possible, and that a few very small tweaks can make a big difference.

It's likely that your sympathetic nervous system is often in a highly mobilised state. In other words, you're on high alert, ready for action: fight or flight. It's normal to move in and out of this state, but it might be that you're not getting a lot of time to rest and decompress, if you're super busy tending to others. This can lead to feeling exhausted, burnt out and even physical health issues. The first step towards change is starting to notice what stress and anxiety feel like in your body, so that you can begin attending to your needs. It can be helpful to take a moment to pause each day, and notice what's going on in your body. A body scan can be a good way to check where you might be holding tension and stress. 

Once you learn to listen to your body's signals, you will be more aware of when you need to take some time to relax. This doesn't need to be anything big (as lovely as a holiday, or a day at the spa might be); it's more about building those micro-moments of rest into your everyday life. This could be as simple as taking a few deep breaths in the car between work and home, or spending some time barefoot in the garden, looking closely at the plants and wildlife. It might be sitting down to eat a meal, and taking a bit longer than you normally would. You will find what works for your nervous system. 

Another change you might make is to put some boundaries in place. For instance, setting a time limit on how long you spend on the phone to your friend or relative, or turning off email notifications after a certain time in the evenings.  You might also delegate some of your responsibilities to others. This may involve sitting down with family, or co-workers and having a conversation about how you would like things to be. 

Perhaps you've already thought about these things, but doing them seems unrealistic to you. I realise that the prospect of communicating your needs to others, and taking time for yourself probably feels very daunting. It requires a significant shift in mindset. This might involve some inner work, perhaps through therapy, where you start exploring core beliefs about yourself and challenging narratives you have internalised from childhood, or even society. 

Once you start believing that you and your wellbeing are important, and taking seriously what your body is telling you, you can start to take action. Here are some pointers that might be helpful:

• Establish some non-negotiables. What is the bare minimum you require for, or from yourself. For example, I will take time for a breakfast every day, or I need at least 24 hours' notice if someone needs something from me
• Give yourself permission. Allow yourself to have an off-day, or to switch off your phone for an hour, or have a nap. 
  
• Assess your expectations- of yourself and others. Are they realistic or too high? It is ok to adapt your expectations based on where you, or others are at. 
• Have a conversation with the important people in your life. Communicate how you are feeling and how they could support you moving forward. 
• Say yes to the right things, and no to everything else. If someone asks you to do something, it's ok to say you need some time to think about it. As you consider it, ask yourself, how does the thought of this make me feel? Does it feel light or heavy? If it feels draining even to think about, it's ok to say no. On the other hand, you might start saying yes to some of the things you have been wanting to do for a while.
• Diarise space for yourself to do fun or restful things, or just to do nothing at all!

Just because things have always been a certain way, doesn't mean they have to go on like that forever. I wish you all the best as you take this journey of self-kindness.