How to boost your self-esteem...with self-compassion

February is Boost your Self-esteem month. This is a topic I am passionate about and it's often the focus of the work I do with clients in therapy. 

Self-esteem refers to the sense we have of our own value, or worth. There is actually quite a bit of controversy around the idea of self-esteem, with some arguing that it relies on comparing ourselves to others, and on what we do rather than who we are. In Western culture, the concept of self-esteem can be closely related to the belief that we need to stand out or be special, and that being average is not ok. This can lead to competitiveness and putting others down, or getting angry with those who say or do things that draw attention to our shortcomings.

When I use the term self-esteem, I use it to mean valuing our intrinsic worth as a human being. Another good word is self-respect. Other people prefer terms such as self-compassion, self-acceptance or self-love. I will use all these terms inter-changeably. 

The self is the focus of therapy, and some recoil at this because they see it as self-indulgent or self-obsessed "naval-gazing". However, the exact opposite is actually true. As Thich Nhat Hanh so beautifully puts it, "The way out is in". We have to address the internal beliefs we hold about ourselves and others, or we will continue in destructive patterns of thought and behaviour, projecting our issues onto others. 

People with healthy self-esteem feel confident in their strengths and abilities, and worthy of love and respect. This does not mean never feeling bad about yourself. It is normal to feel disappointed, ashamed, frustrated or angry with ourselves. This is where self-compassion comes in. Can we offer ourselves understanding and forgiveness, and find ways to do things differently? If we have a harsh inner critic constantly telling us we're not good enough and deserve to be punished, we will find ourselves stuck and too scared to learn from our actions, take risks and grow.  

If you have developed negative opinions of yourself, for whatever reason (that's probably another blog!), and you want to change this, it is likely you have looked to others for affirmation and praise. While this can give you a boost, it is only temporary and never feels enough. I got an A in that essay, but my friend got an A*. They smiled at me when I told a joke, but they were in hysterics at my colleague's funny anecdote. 

Having said this, we do need others to help us learn how to love ourselves. You need the experience of being prized just for being you. This is supposed to happen in the formative childhood years, with a nurturing caregiver. However, many people do not experience this, at least with any consistency. Love is often conditional,  unavailable or disrupted, so negative beliefs of unworthiness are internalised. 

The therapeutic relationship is meant to replicate the kind of bond that would ideally have been formed with the caregiver.  Through a process of empathic mirroring, you learn who you really are and that this is ok; this eventually leads to self-acceptance as you internalise the loving compassion shown to you by the other. 

Though I believe this process can happen naturally through therapy, the therapist generally only sees a client at most one hour a week. The idea is that the therapy sessions provide a template for other relationships in the client's life- first and foremost the relationship with self.
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So, how can we cultivate self-compassion outside of therapy?  I am a firm believer that if we treat ourselves with care and kindness, we are reinforcing the message that we are worthy of these things. This could involve spending time doing things we enjoy, using our strengths and talents, connecting with people who we can be authentic with, learning new skills or knowledge, providing for our physical, emotional and spiritual needs and asking for support when we need it, to name a few! 

Be patient on this journey. It can take time to change ideas about yourself. Don't add fuel to the fire  by beating yourself up when you find yourself repeating negative self-talk. Just notice it and try to develop a nurturing internal voice that can be your advocate.