Pitfalls of perfection

Do you see yourself as a perfectionist? Perfectionism is the need to be, or appear perfect- as if that were actually attainable. It might show up in any number of ways, including, but not limited to:

~ Anxiety in situations where there is potential for judgement (performance anxiety, social anxiety)
~ OCD: checking, doing something repetitively so as not to miss anything
~ Procrastination: if there is a chance of failure, it's easier not to begin the task
~ Risk aversion: reducing opportunities for mistakes and loss of control
~ Controlling: imposing rules and very high standards on self and others
~ Comparing self to others and feeling jealous when others are successful
~ Judging self and others
~ Always seeking the next win and not enjoying the present
~ Imposter sydrome and never feeling good enough
~ Black and white, all-or-nothing thinking

This list might have surprised you if you thought perfectionism was the key to a happy and successful life! 

Brene Brown, one of my favourite academics, defines perfectionism as:

...a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought; If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame

The problem is, of course, that you can never attain perfection. If it seems like you have, it's only ever temporary. Perfectionism demands more and more until you are left exhausted, burnt-out and disconnected from your authentic self.

Eventually, those feelings of shame, blame and judgement catch up with you. You hear them in your inner critic when it gives you an ear-bashing at the slightest mistake. You hear them when you score less than full marks in the test. You hear them when, despite all your best efforts to plan and prepare, something completely unexpected crops up and shatters the illusion of control to smithereens. 

Why do people develop perfectionism?
Many perfectionists grew up with the message that their worth is tied up with their achievements. They may have been punished or criticised harshly whenever they did something that did not meet up to the standards of a parent, (who may well have been a perfectionist themselves). Conversely, they may have been given praise and other rewards for achievements or certain behaviours. 

Having someone of great influence- a parent, teacher or other significant figure- judging you based on outward actions is incredibly powerful and gets internalised as a condition of worth. 

Is it possible to break free from perfectionism?
If you are reading this and thinking, this is all very well but I can't just let my standards slip. I understand. And this is not about just getting sloppy and not caring any more. There is such a thing as healthy striving. Aiming for excellence. You can aim to do things well, but to realistic standards. And it's about learning to separate your worth from what you do. 

Compassionate self-talk can help. When you make a mistake, notice the inner critic, but also bring in self-acceptance and a constructive focus on what you could do differently in the future. 

If you have perfectionistic tendencies, it is unlikely that you will change these overnight. Don't be harsh on yourself when you find yourself being a perfectionist. 

Remember:
- being less than perfect allows others to do the same
- mistakes and failures teach us and help us grow
- your abilities to do something well will vary day to day depending on a whole host of factors
- you are enough
- life is not always shiny and glitzy. It's more often messy, complicated, confusing and challenging. That's ok! Let people see the real you. It's ok to be vulnerable.